The Madness That Will Be Watching the X-Men Films in Chronological Order

This week I will be embarking on an interesting psychological experiment. If I don’t kill myself halfway through, that is.

The X-Men films are known for their wildly varying quality (and colon placement). The first two films are typically seen as some of the best of their genre. The third one would have killed the franchise had not so many people paid to see it instead of boycotting it like real patriots would have. And then there is X-Men Origins: Wolverine, which I only saw once, on opening night, while drunk, in Vegas, and even then I wanted to stab my eyes out and wish brain cancer on everyone involved with that film. X-Men: First Class course corrected the franchise, and The Wolverine was 2/3rds enjoyable and 1/3rd Wolverine fighting Megatron.

With Days of Future Past set to debut this week,  and certain to rock the timeline of the franchise’s previous installments, I thought it would be interesting to see how the first six films hold up if watched them in chronological order.

That means a roller coaster ride of highs, lows, and I hope there is a hell because I want to dive right into the deep end of it.

wolverine
Even Wolverine doesn’t know what the f*** I’m doing.

The release of the X-Men films take place all over the timeline. The first three are pretty much in order. The fourth takes place before the first. The fifth takes place before the fourth which takes place before the first. The sixth takes place after the third. There are numerous continuity errors, not withstanding Wolverine looking older in the past than he does in the present. There’s Xavier’s various states of baldness and walking ability, there’s the immortal Moira MacTaggart, there’s the many faces of Emma Frost. It could lead to madness if one is not careful.

It has also been suggested that I live blog X-Men Origins: Wolverine. I don’t know if I am willing to go down that path yet. If I do, I will be keeping the suicide hotline on my speed dial, just in case.

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This is bullshit, Apple. Your face is full of lies.

Incidentally, I found out this morning that Apple is propagating lies to the naive general public. If you go on iTunes Movies via your Apple TV, it will show First Class as having a very low Rotten Tomatoes score, and Origins: Wolverine with a very high score. This is the first evidence that the Illuminati is real, and there are sinister forces working behind the scenes to ensure the downfall of society. This is also proof that Google is not as evil as Apple, because I doubt the Play store would ever make such a giant mistake.

To the average moviegoer, I’m sure some of the X-Men films might seem interchangeable. But mixing up one of the best X-Men films with pretty much the worst film to be released in 2009 (and a year that included Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen) is just a sin. Maybe it is because First Class only had one scene with Wolverine, and we have to always be reminded about how great Wolverine is, even though Cyclops, leader of the X-Men, lover of women, hero of the universe, is clearly the greatest X-Man of all time.

Here is my watch list for the week:

Tuesday
X-Men: First Class
X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Wednesday
X-Men
X2: X-Men United

Thursday
X-Men: The Last Stand
The Wolverine

And then Thursday night, X-Men: Days of Future Past.

Pray for me.

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2 thoughts on “The Madness That Will Be Watching the X-Men Films in Chronological Order

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